both sides now

Ron:
“So I’m catching up with this chick I know from back in the day and she tells me she recently broke up with some dude. It turns out the guy got his ex-girlfriend pregnant, which my friend found out just before she was going to meet his parents. Man, it's not only guys who have it rough...the ladies struggle too.”

Me:
“Well, the ladies always struggle with the myriad of douche-bags and clueless idiots out there. But they are frequently under the impression that it's not a two-way street. A while back a female friend told me that my love life has opened her eyes to this fact: she used to think that, most of the time, it was just us guys screwing up. Now, she knows better.

Obviously, I don't know your friend but I wouldn't be surprised if she still has feelings for that dude. If that makes me sexist, cynical, jaded, etc. I'm fine with that. But nice guys rarely have the luxury of having women still pining for them when they make a mistake.
And yes, I said mistake; not a fuck up like the guy in the story.”

the alarm

“You say your divorce hasn’t affected you but I think you’re in denial. I mean, how is it that a romantic guy, who loves women,
and has no problem meeting or talking to them, has been single for almost a decade and just sleeping his way through Brooklyn?”

I think he pretty much nailed it. Fuck.

welcome to my nightmare

Someone recently mentioned watching a reality show in which some chick, while lying in bed, longingly gazes at a picture of her boyfriend from back home. She then turns and asks the dude she's been banging for a while, "Am I a bad girlfriend?"

That's it. Right there.

kids in america

For quite a few years I was surrounded by people who approached having children with same emotional commitment of taking a vacation: "Can we afford it?" "Will it interfere w/our lifestyle?" Ugh. Thankfully, I'm coming across this scenario less and less.

Yes, having kids is a huge deal financially, emotionally, etc. But I'd rather see poor people who really want to make the effort to have a family do so, as opposed to the financially stable having kids as some sort of social accoutrement. As far as I can tell, the latter leads to more fucked-in-the-head people, and don't we have enough of those already? Hell, I seem to date/hook up w/them all the time.

smoke

This bullshit only happens to me: I was recently contacted via an online dating site by a woman for whom smoking is a deal breaker.
I found this a bit odd; I mean, who would take the initial step and e-mail someone who they have a big problem with a particular lifestyle choice, right? Thinking she may have inadvertently overlooked my smoking, I alert her to this. Guess what? She acknowledges being aware of my smoking and then proceeds--without provocation, let alone not having met me before or engaging in a prior conversation--to put aside all tact and harshly criticize me for partaking in the habit. Yes, I gave her a piece of my mind. But, are you fucking kidding me?

i'm a believer (dating common sense: rule #218)

Sure, you need to open yourself up to the possibility of a new relationship, but it doesn't hurt to bring a little bit of skepticism to the party, just in case. However, when a woman tells you she's "a mess" or worse, "a train wreck", take her at face value immediately. Otherwise you will pay dearly for not heeding what is in essence her warning to you. Seriously, dude.

goodbye stranger

A good buddy and neighbor of mine was sick recently and asked me if I would get him some food from the store if I was going out. Since I had to run an errand in the 'hood, I agreed. While running my errand I popped into the local drugstore thinking I could probably get my friend a deal with my store card. I have barely set foot in the store when I come across...Patty.

If you're new to this blog or may have forgotten her, here's the complete story. The gist: I met Patty in early '07 in one of my neighborhood bars. It was love at first sight for me but she never reciprocated those feelings. We did have sex on a regular basis, however, so we were in fact "friends with benefits". This made it a rocky situation, since, according to her, the guilt from not being able to love me back was killing her. After a few months of this she disappears for a year and a half until we bump into each other on the subway one morning. Shortly thereafter we rekindle our "FwB" status for 3 or 4 months, and once again she disappears. This time there was no warning; she just stops calling and e-mailing.

So now, after a year of not returning my initial emails, there she was. And she looked good, too. Patty gives me a big bear hug and asks how I am and whatnot. She then introduces as a friend some dude she was with and cuts to the chase.

"I want to meet up with you and give you an explanation for..."

Concealing my displeasure and disappointment, I smile and with half a chuckle tell her I'm not her parole officer. To which she gives me a look of what I interpret as regret while her companion muses something about being "diplomatic". Whatever. I say my goodbyes and she offers up an equally warm hug as before and I resume my shopping. (They didn't have any of what my friend wanted, btw. Which means my unintended and unknowing purpose there was to bump into Patty. Hmm...)

Man, she still does it to me...Fuck!

the rite of spring

My favorite season is Autumn, particularly the month of October with its steady 50 degree weather. Winter is OK, but I despise the Summer. (I believe there is no need for me to be sweating, unless it is purposely so.) However, as much as I loathe being in a foul mood and facing the high electrical bills that come with running constant air-conditioning for 3 months plus, with the latter I know what I'm getting.

Spring, on the other hand, reminds me of dating and not in a a good way: its constant and unreliable changes in climate and temperature stand-ins for the indecisive nonsense I've dealt with in romantic situations for years and years. Man...

back in the saddle again

After a prolonged dry spell in that particular realm, I met someone on an online dating service, and exchanged a couple of emails. She then tells me about an upcoming, week-long trip out of town and that she might be MIA from e-mail during that time. Cool. So, we make plans to go out for a drink when she comes back. While she's away she emails and asks if I still want to go out when she comes back. I respond in the affirmative, giver her my phone number and ask her to call me.

"Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I prefer not to give out my number, so is it alright if we make plans via email? I'm free after Saturday."

So, in a polite but firm manner I remind her that I didn’t ask for her number; I was simply giving her mine so that she could call me, since I like to break the ice over the phone before going out w/someone. Also, I'm thinking why the fuck does it matter that I have her number?! I mean, we're actually going to meet in person, after all...I don't hear from her for a few days and feeling like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon ("I'm too old for this shit") I consider it a done deal. Then...

Three days later I get an e-mail from her in which she omits any mention of the phone number discussion, apologizes for not writing back earlier and asks if I want to do something together the following evening. Since I'm a bit annoyed with the phone number thing I think, "I'm gonna name the place and if she has a problem with it I'll just bail." Surprisingly, she accepts and mentions she likes the bar in question.

The particular bar I chose was based on the fact that bartending on Sunday nights is a female friend who is quite fond of me—no drama: she's got a girlfriend—and will take care of me as far as the tab is concerned. And once she knows I'm on a date she'll make me look even better. Not that I think there will be a second date; I'm not feeling the first one and it hasn't even begun. But I figure I'll lay out the charm, regardless, and see what happens.

The Date:

It was nice. Quite a few laughs; no pregnant pauses. She was engaging and I was my usual charming self.

Some random thoughts:

- I had a feeling she would be one of those people that greets you with a handshake on a date…and she was. [shakes head]

- She wasn’t dressed for a date. I wasn’t expecting a red carpet-approved gown or anything like that. I myself didn’t wear a suit jacket or a tie—she doesn’t know me and isn’t aware I routinely dress that way, and might've thought I was trying too hard to impress her—I just wore my lucky garment: a psychedelic dark blue shirt with little flowers, which she complimented me on at the end of the date (see below). I thought she would’ve worn something that said “I’m making a bit of an effort here” not “I’m gonna get some groceries and, oh yeah, I gotta pass by the bar for a first date.”

- A slow Sunday at the bar? Sure. But not the day before a holiday: by a crazy coincidence about half a dozen women I know were there and they all made a point to come to our table and say hi. (Including one who was all flirty and complimentary with me, as usual.) “You’re very popular”, remarked my date. She didn’t seem at all bothered by it, thankfully.

- When she was leaving I told her I thought she was much prettier in person. (She actually is.) How did she respond? Blushing and smiling she said, “I don’t know how to take that.” (Huh?) So, I made a joke about how I could’ve said I was disappointed that she was not as attractive as the pictures she posted online, that she pulled a bait and switch, etc etc. (Which was a roundabout way of me saying how silly she was being about it.) She laughed, thanked me, and said something nice about my shirt. We talked about seeing each other again soon—when her jetlag is gone and she feels better—and hugged goodnight.

Bottom line: It felt like a first and last date. It was obvious we both had a nice time but I felt few sparks; her body language didn’t exactly say the opposite, either. I have a feeling in the next couple of days I’m getting an e-mail—not a phone call, heh heh—saying, “I had a nice time, but…” I'm cool either way.

Next.

dude acts like a lady

Recent conversation with a female friend, who asks...

"When did become women?"

"You mean, metrosexuals and the like?"

"No, I mean, because my recent romantic experiences have been all about dudes being ambivalent, ambiguous, and sending mixed messages. And I'm not used to that. It's always been crystal clear when you guys are into it. What is this shit?"

"Oh, easy: plenty of dudes have decided to give women a taste of your own medicine. We've had a lifetime of dealing with supposed confusion and flakiness and now there are guys enjoying purposely turning the tables on women. A 'see if you like it' approach, as it were."

"Damn, that sucks! I mean, the best thing about dating you guys was knowing for sure if you were interested or not."

And so it goes...